Isolation... Not Just Being Alone

I love my alone time.  I love the escape from deadlines, complaints, to do lists, and trying to make small talk.  I like being alone, isolated from the thronging demands of life.  The irony of this moment is that while I write these words my two year old daughter is behind me tucked between me and my chair drawing on my back with her finger singing about how much she likes water, pausing occasionally to lean up over my shoulder and see what I’m doing and to ask me to draw her a picture.  Not exactly “alone time”.  But there’s a vast difference between isolated alone time and the isolation that destroys people, relationships, and businesses.  This destructive kind of isolation can be found in even the busiest of people. 

“Isolation comes in many forms and most don’t even realize how isolated they are until it’s too late”

Isolation can take many appearances; from the individual who lashes out at those who offer any form of criticism to the leader seeking to surround him or her self with “yes men” to the person far to busy to truly interact with anyone.  While not exhaustive, each of these people may not be isolated in the sense of being totally alone but they have strategically isolated certain parts of themselves from outside influences.  Generally speaking people excuse their isolation with claims of desiring consistency, authenticity, or preservation.  The perceived safety of isolation distracts from it’s destructive nature.  The danger in isolation, even selective isolation, is that it skews reality. 

“Destructive isolation can be found in even the busiest of people”

Any environment in which there is only one source of influence or one provider of truth has the potential to distort reality and be destructive.  The destructive nature of an inaccurate reality born out of isolation is perhaps most visible when we look at cults or peoples living in a compound with one leader as the sole source of it’s influence and “truth”. Unfortunately, isolation in our own lives is not nearly as obvious.  Far too often I witness homes in which a spouse or a parent’s anger creates a “protective” barrier around a family consequently isolating that family from healthy external influences.  The spouses and children of angry or even violent people are forced to live within the skewed reality the isolated person has created.  Isolated leaders often use guilt instead of anger as their method of corralling followers.  Failure to grow or attract new followers is credited to the weaknesses or ignorance of non-followers.  The unchallenged concepts of a leader, spouse, or family member can rapidly become absolute truth to the isolated regardless of whether or not they are right.  The longer skewed realities are allowed to go unchallenged the more fiercely the isolated defend those “truths” they have built their lives around. 

On a personal note I have noticed my own tendency for isolation when I get so busy running from one task to another that in my overexposure to tasks I end up isolating myself.  Busyness, for me, has become the most common way to create isolation.  If I stay busy, I stay distracted and I’m never in one place long enough to see the full impact of myself on that environment.  As a result I can live in a skewed reality in which I believe that I’m more productive, successful, pleasant to work with, easy to work for than I really am.  When what has actually happened is that I’ve not allowed myself to be present for critique because I’m off to the next task or project never allowing the previous environment to fully impact me.  In this manner success can isolate by inviting the successful to ignore the things that didn’t facilitate success.  Instead of becoming aware of the things needing change for growth, we can ignore/isolate from them and subtly focus only on the qualities that brought accomplishment.

Do I welcome critique or seek to discredit contrary sources?

As I have written this post I realize that even my own children are isolated to a certain extent when it comes to their beliefs about me, their father.  Right now I am the “strongest bestest” dad who can fix anything.  It won’t be until my children are well into their teens that they realize their dad can’t do everything and that my influence on this world is frighteningly small.  If I do a good job with my kids they will not refuse to accept this truth but will accept the true reality in which they live:  that their dad, while awesome, has limits and doesn’t know everything. 

Isolation comes in many forms and most don’t even realize how isolated they are until it’s too late.  Hopefully an awareness of the potential negative effects of isolation will allow people to accept their faults and be willing to be changed by external authorities instead of defending their narrow-mindedness with anger and guilt.  Am I open to genuine feedback or am I personally offended when someone points out the error of my ways?  Do I welcome the advice of others or cringe at their suggestions and mentally discredit their perspective in order to maintain my own skewed reality?  My honest answer to these questions might just reveal an isolated environment of my life. 

Hidden Consequences to Hiding From Your Kids

I recently had an argument with my wife in front of my kids.  Well, let me correct that, I recently over reacted in a conversation with my wife in front of my kids and I enticed my wife into an argument that resulted in me walking into the garage and staring at my freezer.  Moments later my kids came out into the garage and gave me a hug followed by my wife who informed me the kids had decided, “Daddy needs a hug, from mommy too”.  My kids are 6 and 2.  So not only did I misbehave in front of my kids, I behaved in such an immature manner that it was even obvious to them.  That realization coupled with the hugs of my kids effectively melted my heart and demanded an apology from me, not only to my wife but to my children as well.

“If it’s not a behavior I want my children to possess, it should be a behavior I don’t want to possess”

While I’m certainly not proud of my behaviors that day, I have given that situation a lot of thought.  Did I drop the ball in parenting my children because I argued with their mother in front of them?  Did I just example to them how they are allowed to talk to their mother?  I have often heard parents claim that they go out of their way to keep from arguing in front of their kids.  They will often boast the fact that “our kids have never seen us argue”.  Is it healthier to hide the bad and display only the good for my kids?  If that is true, is it also true for my marriage? Should I hide things from my wife that might show me to be something other than what I want her to think I am?  What about at work?

After much deliberation, the following are reasons why I will not hide from my children when I’m disagreeing with my wife or anyone for that matter. 

#1 – What are you saying or doing in your argument that your children should not witness?  If it’s not appropriate for your kids to hear then it’s not appropriate at all!  I’m amazed at how many people have an age limit on appropriate behavior.  With society’s age based legalization of driving, drinking, and smoking, somehow morality got thrown into that mix as well.  When you are old enough to drive you are old enough to cuss… or is it when you are old enough to drink you are allowed to cuss… I can’t remember. 

Why do people even say “not around the kids”?  Isn’t it because we are trying to convey to them the right way to behave by not exposing them to wrong behaviors.  If it’s a behavior that I do not want my children to possess as adults, shouldn’t it be a behavior I do not want to possess as an adult?

#2 – Have a little self-control.  If the reason you are ushering your children out of the room for your arguments is so you can have more freedom to say what you want, then it sounds like you are creating an environment in which you are free to lose control.  What is the age that your children are allowed to stop losing control?  How long does a couple have to be married before they are allowed to quit treating one another with the common courtesies they extend to strangers?

“My arguments with others should example… proper speaking and behavior.”

#3 – If your kids never see you argue they’ll also never see you make up.  This can create in them an incorrect assumption that it is never ok to disagree with someone.  If they ever do disagree with someone then they are not going to know how to bring it to a healthy resolution.  Instead what we’ve effectively done is teach our children the importance of avoiding conflict.  Then we wonder why they get mad and retreat to their bedroom and won’t talk to us when they become teens.  When you usher your kids out of the room so you can have a conflict you are cheating them out of a learning opportunity to show them, nay, that examples for them, the proper way to argue or disagree and how to make up. 

My arguments with others should show observers that even when you are angry there is a proper way to speak and behave.  I should be modeling what it looks like to ask for forgiveness for raising my voice, storming out, or just being nasty and how to be the one to forgive.  If my conflicts aren’t teaching my children healthy behaviors and expressions of emotions then maybe what I need is to work on being a better example and stop hiding from my need for improvement.  

A Solution or A Distraction, How Can I Tell?

I frequently interact with people who find themselves or their marriages in crisis.  I’m not so naïve to think that I’m stop #1 on their journey to healing, in fact I’m often a last option to ease the conscience so they can say “well, at least we tried pastoral counseling, the church, etc.”.  They will often detail how they’ve tried talking to friends and family, other pastors, counselors, how they’ve read so many books and nothing seems to be working.  I can’t help but wonder why they are now talking to me, do they honestly believe that I am so much wiser and more competent than all those who tried to help them before?  Answer: no.  One of two things is happening.  They are either looking for a magical formula that will fix everything for them or they have become addicted to the distractions of a “new solution”. 

“The rush of a new experience can often overshadow its lack of effectiveness”

When couples find a new counselor or parents read a book with a new parenting strategy there is often an increase in energy and sense of hope that brightens their darkness for a moment.  The rush of a new experience can often overshadow its lack of effectiveness.  Consider the rebound relationship.  A new relationship temporarily distracts from the issues that brought about the demise of my previous one.  A new church or move to a new area gives the feeling of a fresh start when it really only places more urgent needs to the head of the queue for attention, the old ones are still there, just not as noticeable for a time.  How many marriages dissolve once the children move out?  The greatest reason is because the problem areas of the marriage were shuffled out of sight in order to focus on the more pressing issues of raising children.  Once the distraction of raising children was gone, the problem area resurfaces and couples end up throwing away decades of life and relationship

“Is the solution addressing my issue or distracting me from it?"

New advice, new strategies, and new methods easily put the focus on doing something else and can temporarily seem effective without actually addressing the things that truly need fixing.  Fad diets are a great example of this quick easy fix that seems to work for a time only to fail the test of longevity.  Simply shuffling problems to a less noticeable area of ones life is not the same as fixing that problem.  Hiding within the busyness of the new and fresh cheats us out of ever truly growing or developing beyond what caused us to look for a solution in the first place. 

So how can we tell if a solution is working or just distracting?  Ask yourself these questions.  Is this new solution addressing my issue or distracting me from it?  Am I still afraid to think about the problem areas of my life?  If new solutions require me to interact with the problem areas instead of offering me a guilt free way to distract from them then chances are that solution is one worth your time to see through.  People addicted to new solutions tend to run away from real solutions because they don’t want to or aren’t ready to face the hard issues in their lives.  The true challenge is to not quit when I don’t like what a solution is revealing about me.  

Truth Is True... Except When It's Not

Truth is a powerful commodity.  Possessors of truth have the upper hand in business dealings and in marital conflicts.  The power of truth is that it is unchanging and universal which allows it to be foundational.  Truth guarantees outcomes.  It keeps planes in the air and boats above the water.  Decisions made in the absence of truth can sink a business, ruin a marriage, and destine a church for failure.  I believe there are absolute truths; saved people go to heaven, gravity keeps me from floating away, and my wife will forever have the advantage in arguments because her memory is better than mine.  But what happens when truth isn’t true?

"If you want to infuriate your spouse and discourage your employees... then demand your methods"

The Book of Acts chapter 13 details an encounter between Paul, one of the premier patriarchs of Christianity, and a sorcerer named Elymus who was opposing the spread of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  In this interaction Saul (later known as Paul) proclaimed blindness on the sorcerer as a sign of the punishment of God for his opposition of truth.  Prior to Saul’s conversion he was an enemy of Christians, hunting and killing them in order to prevent the spread of Christianity.  What I find interesting is that Saul was stricken with blindness by the Lord, which ultimately led to his being converted to Christianity.  I wonder if Saul’s use of blindness on the sorcerer wasn’t partly driven by a belief that if the sorcerer experienced what Saul experienced then it would lead him to Christ as well.  The truth for Saul was that blindness from God can bring someone to faith in Jesus Christ.  There is no record of the sorcerer’s conversion to Christianity.  What was truth for Saul was not true for the sorcerer.  While the message of Jesus Christ was the same, the method of conversion was not.

"People teach what they know"

People teach what they know and a lot of what we know we have been taught. But when people learn through experience they are often more passionate about the truths revealed to them in those moments and they consider themselves experts of those truths.  Leaders can become convinced that if you will do what they did then you can achieve the same level of success they achieved.  Spouses can believe that what communicates love and appreciation to them is how their spouses should perceive love and appreciation (see Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages).  It seems the common belief is that “what worked for me will work for you”.  If you have ever heard someone tell you how they treat their spouse, how they raised or punished their children, how they grew their business or how they became successful then you have heard someone share with you their truth of method.  Desperate followers and desperate husbands and wives eagerly embrace the exacting formulas offered by “truth experts” in hopes that this truth method will also prove true in their lives.

Truth is true, except when it’s not.  What was true for you is not necessarily true for others.  What things you did/do to bring you success worked for you, your personality, your character, your strengths but they may not work for others.  In fact they most likely will not work for the majority of others.  The way you perceive and give love, while it is true for you, may not be true for your spouse or your children.

"The message of Jesus Christ was the same, the method of conversion was not"

If we’re not careful we can become so enamored with the power of our own experiential truths that we condemn others for not for embracing them too.  Different does not equal wrong.  If I don’t embrace your truth it doesn’t mean I won’t succeed, it just means I won’t be you.   If you want to infuriate your spouse and discourage your colleagues and employees, then demand your methods.  If you want to be a developer of others, then be aware of the people around you and the ways they are different and help them experience and embrace the truth that works for them.  Just to be clear, God’s truths revealed in scripture are absolute truths; our experiential truths are not always absolute.  

Can I Ask You A Question?

I recently ran errands with my six-year old son.  During our drive questions poured out of him and he fired them off as fast as I could answer him.  "What would happen if all the buildings in the world were made of Jello?"  "How tall are tornados?"  I stopped him long enough to tell him that I love his questions and I’m glad he likes to ask me about things.  This put a smile on his face and a fire in his heart to hit me with more questions.  While I admit that after a time the sheer volume of questions can start to annoy me, I’m hoping my continued availability will encourage him to keep coming to me with questions as he advances on into his pre-teen and teenage years and beyond.  Call me naïve but I’ve seen what can happen when questions are not welcome in a relationship. 

"If you aren't answering questions, someone else is"

Questions are too often perceived as a challenge to one’s authority or they serve as proof of our insecurities.  Weak bosses and leaders tend to distance themselves from people who ask them tough questions because they perceive questions as lack of support or a lack of belief in the vision or manner of doing business.  Insecure spouses get angry or defensive when their significant other questions any part of the marriage relationship or certain behaviors.  Parents are quick to equate their teenager’s questions with a rebellious spirit.  In each of these scenarios the questioner learns that their questions are not welcome based on the negative reactions of those they have questioned.  So, eventually, they quit asking.  As a result employees do not feel they or their thoughts are valued and become less invested in the success of the organization, spouses live with unresolved tension, feel unappreciated, and finally come to believe they are simply coping with an unhappy marriage, and teenagers disconnect from parents who don’t know, don’t care, or don’t understand them & their issues.  All are left to come up with their own answers to avoided questions, a.k.a. assumptions.

While it is true that some people use questions as a method of attacking, it is my belief that the majority of questions are not a sign of doubt but rather a sign of learning.  The best time to speak into someone’s life is when he or she asks questions.  I have committed to always having an answer to the questions that come my way, even if my answer is “I don’t know but that’s a great question.  Let’s talk about that some more”.  

"The best time to speak into someone's life is when he or she asks questions"

The most common reasons for avoiding questions are:

            Because I don’t like the answer

            Because I don’t know the answer

            Because I want to avoid a fight

            Because I’m insecure in myself or my answer

            Because I believe the other person has an ulterior motive

            Because I hear questions as doubt or lack of faith in me

If people aren’t asking you questions it’s either because they already think they know everything they need to know, they have been taught that you aren’t open to questions, or worse yet they believe you don’t know the answers.  Regardless of their reason(s) the troublesome fact is they are operating apart from you.  Just because you have silenced your questioners does not mean that the questions are not still there.  The scary thing is that if you aren’t answering questions, someone else is.  A questioner feels worthwhile and valued by the “someone else” who takes the time to answer.  So, workers quit and find employment elsewhere, spouses gravitate towards people to listen to them and have affairs, teenagers lock themselves in their rooms and get all their information from peers and predatory voices online. 

The moment I no longer allow my wife, children, co-workers, or employees to ask questions (especially the tough questions) I have effectively silenced my voice of influence in the life of the truth seeker.  What do the questioners of your life reveal about you?  Are questioners welcome? Are there even any questioners in your life?  If not, it’s either because you are the world’s best communicator or you are avoiding some uncomfortable truths.