The Law Of Least Resistance

Some call it the blame game, some call it side-stepping the issues, while others call it denial.  Regardless what label you choose, its driven by the Law of Least Resistance.  In nature the Law of Least Resistance determines the path of electricity and water, ultimately determining the shape of a river or stream.  In some cases common sense utilizes the Law of Least Resistance.  Take for example someone trying to cross a river or stream, the least resistant path is generally where the river or stream is narrowest or shallowest and therefore easiest to get across.  Unfortunately the Law of Least Resistance is most often witnessed when things go wrong.  Blame flows more easily away from someone, while praise and acknowledgement flow more easily towards them (deserved or not).

“Blame flows more easily away from someone, while praise flows more easily towards them”

When I was younger I was working with a couple of older gentlemen on a construction site.  A need arose for a quick solution: simply rerouting some caution tape from one place to another.  One of the men looked at me and asked if I would do it, I immediately jumped at the opportunity to serve.  Upon completion of my task the older gentleman who requested my assistance said this with a smile on his face, “If you want something done right ask a busy person, if you want something done quick ask a lazy person”.  I maintain he wanted the caution tape run correctly.  To believe otherwise would be to accept a truth about myself I don’t like or admire.  Plus, it’s easier to believe that I’m the go to guy when someone wants something done right.  That doesn’t require me to change. 

“The longer we prevent blame from flowing towards us the longer we prevent growth”

When the reality of a situation shines a light on some aspect of our life or character that we wish had remained hidden, the Law of Least Resistance jumps into action.  In an instant, with lightning fast reasoning and ninja like precision, we are able to assess the situation and redirect blame to another.  We almost instinctually look for ways in which something is not our fault.  Excuses flow from the Law of Least Resistance.  You may have witnessed the Law of Least Resistance if you’ve heard, uttered, or thought something like:

“If I wasn't so busy with work I could be there for my family"

“I’m a good husband she just makes me crazy sometimes”

“If they paid me what I was worth I would work harder”

“If they had been clearer with their expectations I would have done better”

“If people knew what I had to deal with…”

 Notice how each thought subtly shifts culpability.  It's not only lawyers who know that the smallest thought can introduce reasonable doubt and subsequently shift blame.  

“You are never more aware of your faults than you are when you know people are watching ”

Simply being aware of the Law of Least Resistance should help us identify how active it is in our lives.  The longer we prevent blame from flowing towards us the longer we prevent growth!  I hate it that the most successful growth seems to come from the most public failures.  Character shortcomings revealed in private are too easily ignored or written off.  Abusive parents and spouses abuse with more vigor within the privacy of their home.  They won’t abuse in public, around in-laws, or coworkers.  To do so would be to publicly reveal their wrongs.  To keep it hidden makes it easier to reason away disapproving behavior, to redirect blame.  The Law of Least Resistance helps keep our flaws from coming into the light.  Flaws no one sees do not demand near the attention they would if they were made public.  Don’t believe me?  Have someone you don’t know watch you eat and see if you aren’t more self-conscious, making sure you chew with your mouth closed, wiping your mouth more frequently, or covering your mouth after each bite.  You are never more aware of your faults (external or internal) than you are when you know people are watching.  Nothing draws the attention away from you like the Law of Least Resistance.

Hidden Consequences to Hiding From Your Kids

I recently had an argument with my wife in front of my kids.  Well, let me correct that, I recently over reacted in a conversation with my wife in front of my kids and I enticed my wife into an argument that resulted in me walking into the garage and staring at my freezer.  Moments later my kids came out into the garage and gave me a hug followed by my wife who informed me the kids had decided, “Daddy needs a hug, from mommy too”.  My kids are 6 and 2.  So not only did I misbehave in front of my kids, I behaved in such an immature manner that it was even obvious to them.  That realization coupled with the hugs of my kids effectively melted my heart and demanded an apology from me, not only to my wife but to my children as well.

“If it’s not a behavior I want my children to possess, it should be a behavior I don’t want to possess”

While I’m certainly not proud of my behaviors that day, I have given that situation a lot of thought.  Did I drop the ball in parenting my children because I argued with their mother in front of them?  Did I just example to them how they are allowed to talk to their mother?  I have often heard parents claim that they go out of their way to keep from arguing in front of their kids.  They will often boast the fact that “our kids have never seen us argue”.  Is it healthier to hide the bad and display only the good for my kids?  If that is true, is it also true for my marriage? Should I hide things from my wife that might show me to be something other than what I want her to think I am?  What about at work?

After much deliberation, the following are reasons why I will not hide from my children when I’m disagreeing with my wife or anyone for that matter. 

#1 – What are you saying or doing in your argument that your children should not witness?  If it’s not appropriate for your kids to hear then it’s not appropriate at all!  I’m amazed at how many people have an age limit on appropriate behavior.  With society’s age based legalization of driving, drinking, and smoking, somehow morality got thrown into that mix as well.  When you are old enough to drive you are old enough to cuss… or is it when you are old enough to drink you are allowed to cuss… I can’t remember. 

Why do people even say “not around the kids”?  Isn’t it because we are trying to convey to them the right way to behave by not exposing them to wrong behaviors.  If it’s a behavior that I do not want my children to possess as adults, shouldn’t it be a behavior I do not want to possess as an adult?

#2 – Have a little self-control.  If the reason you are ushering your children out of the room for your arguments is so you can have more freedom to say what you want, then it sounds like you are creating an environment in which you are free to lose control.  What is the age that your children are allowed to stop losing control?  How long does a couple have to be married before they are allowed to quit treating one another with the common courtesies they extend to strangers?

“My arguments with others should example… proper speaking and behavior.”

#3 – If your kids never see you argue they’ll also never see you make up.  This can create in them an incorrect assumption that it is never ok to disagree with someone.  If they ever do disagree with someone then they are not going to know how to bring it to a healthy resolution.  Instead what we’ve effectively done is teach our children the importance of avoiding conflict.  Then we wonder why they get mad and retreat to their bedroom and won’t talk to us when they become teens.  When you usher your kids out of the room so you can have a conflict you are cheating them out of a learning opportunity to show them, nay, that examples for them, the proper way to argue or disagree and how to make up. 

My arguments with others should show observers that even when you are angry there is a proper way to speak and behave.  I should be modeling what it looks like to ask for forgiveness for raising my voice, storming out, or just being nasty and how to be the one to forgive.  If my conflicts aren’t teaching my children healthy behaviors and expressions of emotions then maybe what I need is to work on being a better example and stop hiding from my need for improvement.