The Law Of Least Resistance

Some call it the blame game, some call it side-stepping the issues, while others call it denial.  Regardless what label you choose, its driven by the Law of Least Resistance.  In nature the Law of Least Resistance determines the path of electricity and water, ultimately determining the shape of a river or stream.  In some cases common sense utilizes the Law of Least Resistance.  Take for example someone trying to cross a river or stream, the least resistant path is generally where the river or stream is narrowest or shallowest and therefore easiest to get across.  Unfortunately the Law of Least Resistance is most often witnessed when things go wrong.  Blame flows more easily away from someone, while praise and acknowledgement flow more easily towards them (deserved or not).

“Blame flows more easily away from someone, while praise flows more easily towards them”

When I was younger I was working with a couple of older gentlemen on a construction site.  A need arose for a quick solution: simply rerouting some caution tape from one place to another.  One of the men looked at me and asked if I would do it, I immediately jumped at the opportunity to serve.  Upon completion of my task the older gentleman who requested my assistance said this with a smile on his face, “If you want something done right ask a busy person, if you want something done quick ask a lazy person”.  I maintain he wanted the caution tape run correctly.  To believe otherwise would be to accept a truth about myself I don’t like or admire.  Plus, it’s easier to believe that I’m the go to guy when someone wants something done right.  That doesn’t require me to change. 

“The longer we prevent blame from flowing towards us the longer we prevent growth”

When the reality of a situation shines a light on some aspect of our life or character that we wish had remained hidden, the Law of Least Resistance jumps into action.  In an instant, with lightning fast reasoning and ninja like precision, we are able to assess the situation and redirect blame to another.  We almost instinctually look for ways in which something is not our fault.  Excuses flow from the Law of Least Resistance.  You may have witnessed the Law of Least Resistance if you’ve heard, uttered, or thought something like:

“If I wasn't so busy with work I could be there for my family"

“I’m a good husband she just makes me crazy sometimes”

“If they paid me what I was worth I would work harder”

“If they had been clearer with their expectations I would have done better”

“If people knew what I had to deal with…”

 Notice how each thought subtly shifts culpability.  It's not only lawyers who know that the smallest thought can introduce reasonable doubt and subsequently shift blame.  

“You are never more aware of your faults than you are when you know people are watching ”

Simply being aware of the Law of Least Resistance should help us identify how active it is in our lives.  The longer we prevent blame from flowing towards us the longer we prevent growth!  I hate it that the most successful growth seems to come from the most public failures.  Character shortcomings revealed in private are too easily ignored or written off.  Abusive parents and spouses abuse with more vigor within the privacy of their home.  They won’t abuse in public, around in-laws, or coworkers.  To do so would be to publicly reveal their wrongs.  To keep it hidden makes it easier to reason away disapproving behavior, to redirect blame.  The Law of Least Resistance helps keep our flaws from coming into the light.  Flaws no one sees do not demand near the attention they would if they were made public.  Don’t believe me?  Have someone you don’t know watch you eat and see if you aren’t more self-conscious, making sure you chew with your mouth closed, wiping your mouth more frequently, or covering your mouth after each bite.  You are never more aware of your faults (external or internal) than you are when you know people are watching.  Nothing draws the attention away from you like the Law of Least Resistance.

A Solution or A Distraction, How Can I Tell?

I frequently interact with people who find themselves or their marriages in crisis.  I’m not so naïve to think that I’m stop #1 on their journey to healing, in fact I’m often a last option to ease the conscience so they can say “well, at least we tried pastoral counseling, the church, etc.”.  They will often detail how they’ve tried talking to friends and family, other pastors, counselors, how they’ve read so many books and nothing seems to be working.  I can’t help but wonder why they are now talking to me, do they honestly believe that I am so much wiser and more competent than all those who tried to help them before?  Answer: no.  One of two things is happening.  They are either looking for a magical formula that will fix everything for them or they have become addicted to the distractions of a “new solution”. 

“The rush of a new experience can often overshadow its lack of effectiveness”

When couples find a new counselor or parents read a book with a new parenting strategy there is often an increase in energy and sense of hope that brightens their darkness for a moment.  The rush of a new experience can often overshadow its lack of effectiveness.  Consider the rebound relationship.  A new relationship temporarily distracts from the issues that brought about the demise of my previous one.  A new church or move to a new area gives the feeling of a fresh start when it really only places more urgent needs to the head of the queue for attention, the old ones are still there, just not as noticeable for a time.  How many marriages dissolve once the children move out?  The greatest reason is because the problem areas of the marriage were shuffled out of sight in order to focus on the more pressing issues of raising children.  Once the distraction of raising children was gone, the problem area resurfaces and couples end up throwing away decades of life and relationship

“Is the solution addressing my issue or distracting me from it?"

New advice, new strategies, and new methods easily put the focus on doing something else and can temporarily seem effective without actually addressing the things that truly need fixing.  Fad diets are a great example of this quick easy fix that seems to work for a time only to fail the test of longevity.  Simply shuffling problems to a less noticeable area of ones life is not the same as fixing that problem.  Hiding within the busyness of the new and fresh cheats us out of ever truly growing or developing beyond what caused us to look for a solution in the first place. 

So how can we tell if a solution is working or just distracting?  Ask yourself these questions.  Is this new solution addressing my issue or distracting me from it?  Am I still afraid to think about the problem areas of my life?  If new solutions require me to interact with the problem areas instead of offering me a guilt free way to distract from them then chances are that solution is one worth your time to see through.  People addicted to new solutions tend to run away from real solutions because they don’t want to or aren’t ready to face the hard issues in their lives.  The true challenge is to not quit when I don’t like what a solution is revealing about me.  

Truth Is True... Except When It's Not

Truth is a powerful commodity.  Possessors of truth have the upper hand in business dealings and in marital conflicts.  The power of truth is that it is unchanging and universal which allows it to be foundational.  Truth guarantees outcomes.  It keeps planes in the air and boats above the water.  Decisions made in the absence of truth can sink a business, ruin a marriage, and destine a church for failure.  I believe there are absolute truths; saved people go to heaven, gravity keeps me from floating away, and my wife will forever have the advantage in arguments because her memory is better than mine.  But what happens when truth isn’t true?

"If you want to infuriate your spouse and discourage your employees... then demand your methods"

The Book of Acts chapter 13 details an encounter between Paul, one of the premier patriarchs of Christianity, and a sorcerer named Elymus who was opposing the spread of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  In this interaction Saul (later known as Paul) proclaimed blindness on the sorcerer as a sign of the punishment of God for his opposition of truth.  Prior to Saul’s conversion he was an enemy of Christians, hunting and killing them in order to prevent the spread of Christianity.  What I find interesting is that Saul was stricken with blindness by the Lord, which ultimately led to his being converted to Christianity.  I wonder if Saul’s use of blindness on the sorcerer wasn’t partly driven by a belief that if the sorcerer experienced what Saul experienced then it would lead him to Christ as well.  The truth for Saul was that blindness from God can bring someone to faith in Jesus Christ.  There is no record of the sorcerer’s conversion to Christianity.  What was truth for Saul was not true for the sorcerer.  While the message of Jesus Christ was the same, the method of conversion was not.

"People teach what they know"

People teach what they know and a lot of what we know we have been taught. But when people learn through experience they are often more passionate about the truths revealed to them in those moments and they consider themselves experts of those truths.  Leaders can become convinced that if you will do what they did then you can achieve the same level of success they achieved.  Spouses can believe that what communicates love and appreciation to them is how their spouses should perceive love and appreciation (see Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages).  It seems the common belief is that “what worked for me will work for you”.  If you have ever heard someone tell you how they treat their spouse, how they raised or punished their children, how they grew their business or how they became successful then you have heard someone share with you their truth of method.  Desperate followers and desperate husbands and wives eagerly embrace the exacting formulas offered by “truth experts” in hopes that this truth method will also prove true in their lives.

Truth is true, except when it’s not.  What was true for you is not necessarily true for others.  What things you did/do to bring you success worked for you, your personality, your character, your strengths but they may not work for others.  In fact they most likely will not work for the majority of others.  The way you perceive and give love, while it is true for you, may not be true for your spouse or your children.

"The message of Jesus Christ was the same, the method of conversion was not"

If we’re not careful we can become so enamored with the power of our own experiential truths that we condemn others for not for embracing them too.  Different does not equal wrong.  If I don’t embrace your truth it doesn’t mean I won’t succeed, it just means I won’t be you.   If you want to infuriate your spouse and discourage your colleagues and employees, then demand your methods.  If you want to be a developer of others, then be aware of the people around you and the ways they are different and help them experience and embrace the truth that works for them.  Just to be clear, God’s truths revealed in scripture are absolute truths; our experiential truths are not always absolute.  

Can I Ask You A Question?

I recently ran errands with my six-year old son.  During our drive questions poured out of him and he fired them off as fast as I could answer him.  "What would happen if all the buildings in the world were made of Jello?"  "How tall are tornados?"  I stopped him long enough to tell him that I love his questions and I’m glad he likes to ask me about things.  This put a smile on his face and a fire in his heart to hit me with more questions.  While I admit that after a time the sheer volume of questions can start to annoy me, I’m hoping my continued availability will encourage him to keep coming to me with questions as he advances on into his pre-teen and teenage years and beyond.  Call me naïve but I’ve seen what can happen when questions are not welcome in a relationship. 

"If you aren't answering questions, someone else is"

Questions are too often perceived as a challenge to one’s authority or they serve as proof of our insecurities.  Weak bosses and leaders tend to distance themselves from people who ask them tough questions because they perceive questions as lack of support or a lack of belief in the vision or manner of doing business.  Insecure spouses get angry or defensive when their significant other questions any part of the marriage relationship or certain behaviors.  Parents are quick to equate their teenager’s questions with a rebellious spirit.  In each of these scenarios the questioner learns that their questions are not welcome based on the negative reactions of those they have questioned.  So, eventually, they quit asking.  As a result employees do not feel they or their thoughts are valued and become less invested in the success of the organization, spouses live with unresolved tension, feel unappreciated, and finally come to believe they are simply coping with an unhappy marriage, and teenagers disconnect from parents who don’t know, don’t care, or don’t understand them & their issues.  All are left to come up with their own answers to avoided questions, a.k.a. assumptions.

While it is true that some people use questions as a method of attacking, it is my belief that the majority of questions are not a sign of doubt but rather a sign of learning.  The best time to speak into someone’s life is when he or she asks questions.  I have committed to always having an answer to the questions that come my way, even if my answer is “I don’t know but that’s a great question.  Let’s talk about that some more”.  

"The best time to speak into someone's life is when he or she asks questions"

The most common reasons for avoiding questions are:

            Because I don’t like the answer

            Because I don’t know the answer

            Because I want to avoid a fight

            Because I’m insecure in myself or my answer

            Because I believe the other person has an ulterior motive

            Because I hear questions as doubt or lack of faith in me

If people aren’t asking you questions it’s either because they already think they know everything they need to know, they have been taught that you aren’t open to questions, or worse yet they believe you don’t know the answers.  Regardless of their reason(s) the troublesome fact is they are operating apart from you.  Just because you have silenced your questioners does not mean that the questions are not still there.  The scary thing is that if you aren’t answering questions, someone else is.  A questioner feels worthwhile and valued by the “someone else” who takes the time to answer.  So, workers quit and find employment elsewhere, spouses gravitate towards people to listen to them and have affairs, teenagers lock themselves in their rooms and get all their information from peers and predatory voices online. 

The moment I no longer allow my wife, children, co-workers, or employees to ask questions (especially the tough questions) I have effectively silenced my voice of influence in the life of the truth seeker.  What do the questioners of your life reveal about you?  Are questioners welcome? Are there even any questioners in your life?  If not, it’s either because you are the world’s best communicator or you are avoiding some uncomfortable truths.

The Measure Of My Success... It's Not You.

I have found that there are many parallels between what leadership experts claim will revolutionize a church, business, or organization and what relationship experts claim will revolutionize a family or marriage.  Take for example the trending topic of change.  I have set in rooms with organizational leaders who ache for a change that will bring growth or at the very least bring the organization in line with the goals and values of said leadership.  I have also listened as couples desperately detail the need for change in order to save a deteriorating marriage.  Both groups find themselves mistakenly looking at those around them as the measure of their own success.

"Unless you value control more than you value integrity" 

Volumes of leadership books detail behaviors and attitudes guaranteed to bring success.  Counselors and self-help books provide direction and unselfishly dole out answers to the difficult “How” questions for marriages in crisis.  Eager leaders and desperate couples devour the advice waiting for the miracle to take place; organizational growth, increased revenue, a healthier more loving relationship. 

The often unclear and unspoken principle that should fuel proper healthy growth is that all the answers and profound advice point to an individuals way of being that is simply the “right thing to do” or the “right way to behave”.  The problem with leaving this principle unspoken is that the measure of our success when "doing what is right" shifts to focus on whether or not others are responding to our changes the way we want them to respond.  The end result?  Spouses quit doing what’s right because “she still nags” or “he still has a short fuse”.  Leaders embrace old familiar habits because “employees still complain”, a project fails or a task gets overlooked.

"...to make the individual a better person first and a better leader or spouse second"

What proponents for change must realize is that the advice and answers they are given for their issues are designed to make the individual a better person first and a better leader or spouse second.  If attempts to bring about change are embraced with the main goal of “fixing the other person” then change efforts will not be sustained long enough to bring about true change in the person they were intended to fix… You. 

My childhood pastor used to say that “bitterness is like swallowing a poison pill and hoping it kills the other person”.  The same futility will destroy a person who attempts positive change habits (doing what’s right) in an attempt to change someone else.  I hope to see more people doing what is right because it’s right, instead of only trying to do what “works”.  Unless of course you value control more than you value integrity.  I for one intend to do what is right because it’s the right thing to do and because I believe it will make me a better person, spouse, and leader.  My growth is the measure of my success; your growth is an added bonus.