The Potential Rut Of Potential

I recently spent some time with an elderly gentleman who was reflecting on his life.  His reflection was not prompted by health concerns or end of life considerations; in fact he had been pondering the state of his life for better than a year prior to my arrival in his living room.   Not long into our conversation it became abundantly clear that he was eat up with guilt and regret.  His life was not at all how he had hoped it would have turned out, but strangely enough it was exactly what he felt he deserved. 

“’Potential’ is to the future what ‘almost’ is to the past: the undone”

The living room was dark, illuminated only by the light of an overcast day seeping in through his broken screen door and the flicker of his TV.  The smell of decades of cigarette smoke hung heavy in the air along with shame and despair.  For better than 30 years he had struggled with alcohol and gambling.  He was 30 years divorced from his only wife and mother to his 4 children.  The high point of the past 6 months was finally receiving disability for something that had long plagued him.  From his worn out recliner he relayed his story.  It flowed from him effortlessly.  It was one he had undoubtedly punished himself with when no one was around, which was often.  He had been happily married, actively involved in a church, had just built a house with several acres he was successfully farming to supplement his income from a job he loved. Then he said something that sent my mind in a whirl. He said “It all changed August, 1977”. 

If you’re like me, I bet your thinking there was a death in the immediate family or a tragic accident that left him crippled.  Surely there was something nearly cataclysmic that happened that was simply out of his control resulting in a tragically wasted 30 years.  If you are like me, then you too would be wrong.  As it turns out he took a chance in 1977, at the urging of family and friends, which ultimately failed.  He claims God told him to leave the opportunity alone, but he went anyway.  He has grown to believe that his current state of life is the ongoing punishment for his disobedience.  He frequently asks God’s forgiveness for what happened 30 years ago, but I believe he has never forgiven himself.  While I could elaborate on some of those God and forgiveness issues, I want to draw your attention to a hidden danger in this story.

“Doesn’t every choice have the ability to change your future forever?”

This gentleman has hung the results of the last half of his life on one choice he made 30+ years ago.  He blames everything that has happened to him on that choice.  Since then bitterness and resentment towards those who encouraged that choice has only grown, along with his own regret.  That one wrong choice has become his excuse for underachieving ever since.  He has defined his life by a wrong decision made decades ago.  He struggles in the rut of what could have been, what should have been: the “almost”.  When the time is right I will challenge the reality he has built his life around with this question.  “You place a lot of weight on that one decision you made in 1977, but what about all of the choices you’ve made since then?”  Doesn’t every choice have the ability to change your future forever?  The bible declares in Lamentations 3:22-23 It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.  They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.  With each new day come new decision opportunities.  

This man’s life has challenged me to not define myself by one choice or one event in my life, past or future.  Future?  Yes.  If we’re not careful our life’s potential can become our defining characteristic i.e. “what I’m going to do”.  I can live being frustrated with where I am because I tell myself and everyone around me that I’m only here until something better comes along or until someone recognizes my potential.  I can just as easily blame my lack of achievement on something unachieved in my future as I can on something unachieved in my past.

"There are a lot of choices to be made between now and where we ultimately end up"

“Potential” is to the future what “almost” is to the past: the undone.  Both can motivate you or numb you into inactivity.  Either way there are a lot of choices to be made between now and where we ultimately end up.  If all we do is talk about “what we’re going to do”, one day that mantra is going to become the “what could have been”.  While I certainly don’t want to get stuck in the past replaying lost opportunities or failed attempts, neither do I want to get stuck in the rut of potential, never able to reach it.  Phrases most often heard in the rut of potential are “not yet”, “some day”, or “when things calm down”.  I don’t know, and I hope I never find out, when the moment is that someone’s greatest potential becomes his or her greatest regret.

Hidden Consequences to Hiding From Your Kids

I recently had an argument with my wife in front of my kids.  Well, let me correct that, I recently over reacted in a conversation with my wife in front of my kids and I enticed my wife into an argument that resulted in me walking into the garage and staring at my freezer.  Moments later my kids came out into the garage and gave me a hug followed by my wife who informed me the kids had decided, “Daddy needs a hug, from mommy too”.  My kids are 6 and 2.  So not only did I misbehave in front of my kids, I behaved in such an immature manner that it was even obvious to them.  That realization coupled with the hugs of my kids effectively melted my heart and demanded an apology from me, not only to my wife but to my children as well.

“If it’s not a behavior I want my children to possess, it should be a behavior I don’t want to possess”

While I’m certainly not proud of my behaviors that day, I have given that situation a lot of thought.  Did I drop the ball in parenting my children because I argued with their mother in front of them?  Did I just example to them how they are allowed to talk to their mother?  I have often heard parents claim that they go out of their way to keep from arguing in front of their kids.  They will often boast the fact that “our kids have never seen us argue”.  Is it healthier to hide the bad and display only the good for my kids?  If that is true, is it also true for my marriage? Should I hide things from my wife that might show me to be something other than what I want her to think I am?  What about at work?

After much deliberation, the following are reasons why I will not hide from my children when I’m disagreeing with my wife or anyone for that matter. 

#1 – What are you saying or doing in your argument that your children should not witness?  If it’s not appropriate for your kids to hear then it’s not appropriate at all!  I’m amazed at how many people have an age limit on appropriate behavior.  With society’s age based legalization of driving, drinking, and smoking, somehow morality got thrown into that mix as well.  When you are old enough to drive you are old enough to cuss… or is it when you are old enough to drink you are allowed to cuss… I can’t remember. 

Why do people even say “not around the kids”?  Isn’t it because we are trying to convey to them the right way to behave by not exposing them to wrong behaviors.  If it’s a behavior that I do not want my children to possess as adults, shouldn’t it be a behavior I do not want to possess as an adult?

#2 – Have a little self-control.  If the reason you are ushering your children out of the room for your arguments is so you can have more freedom to say what you want, then it sounds like you are creating an environment in which you are free to lose control.  What is the age that your children are allowed to stop losing control?  How long does a couple have to be married before they are allowed to quit treating one another with the common courtesies they extend to strangers?

“My arguments with others should example… proper speaking and behavior.”

#3 – If your kids never see you argue they’ll also never see you make up.  This can create in them an incorrect assumption that it is never ok to disagree with someone.  If they ever do disagree with someone then they are not going to know how to bring it to a healthy resolution.  Instead what we’ve effectively done is teach our children the importance of avoiding conflict.  Then we wonder why they get mad and retreat to their bedroom and won’t talk to us when they become teens.  When you usher your kids out of the room so you can have a conflict you are cheating them out of a learning opportunity to show them, nay, that examples for them, the proper way to argue or disagree and how to make up. 

My arguments with others should show observers that even when you are angry there is a proper way to speak and behave.  I should be modeling what it looks like to ask for forgiveness for raising my voice, storming out, or just being nasty and how to be the one to forgive.  If my conflicts aren’t teaching my children healthy behaviors and expressions of emotions then maybe what I need is to work on being a better example and stop hiding from my need for improvement.  

Truth Is True... Except When It's Not

Truth is a powerful commodity.  Possessors of truth have the upper hand in business dealings and in marital conflicts.  The power of truth is that it is unchanging and universal which allows it to be foundational.  Truth guarantees outcomes.  It keeps planes in the air and boats above the water.  Decisions made in the absence of truth can sink a business, ruin a marriage, and destine a church for failure.  I believe there are absolute truths; saved people go to heaven, gravity keeps me from floating away, and my wife will forever have the advantage in arguments because her memory is better than mine.  But what happens when truth isn’t true?

"If you want to infuriate your spouse and discourage your employees... then demand your methods"

The Book of Acts chapter 13 details an encounter between Paul, one of the premier patriarchs of Christianity, and a sorcerer named Elymus who was opposing the spread of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  In this interaction Saul (later known as Paul) proclaimed blindness on the sorcerer as a sign of the punishment of God for his opposition of truth.  Prior to Saul’s conversion he was an enemy of Christians, hunting and killing them in order to prevent the spread of Christianity.  What I find interesting is that Saul was stricken with blindness by the Lord, which ultimately led to his being converted to Christianity.  I wonder if Saul’s use of blindness on the sorcerer wasn’t partly driven by a belief that if the sorcerer experienced what Saul experienced then it would lead him to Christ as well.  The truth for Saul was that blindness from God can bring someone to faith in Jesus Christ.  There is no record of the sorcerer’s conversion to Christianity.  What was truth for Saul was not true for the sorcerer.  While the message of Jesus Christ was the same, the method of conversion was not.

"People teach what they know"

People teach what they know and a lot of what we know we have been taught. But when people learn through experience they are often more passionate about the truths revealed to them in those moments and they consider themselves experts of those truths.  Leaders can become convinced that if you will do what they did then you can achieve the same level of success they achieved.  Spouses can believe that what communicates love and appreciation to them is how their spouses should perceive love and appreciation (see Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages).  It seems the common belief is that “what worked for me will work for you”.  If you have ever heard someone tell you how they treat their spouse, how they raised or punished their children, how they grew their business or how they became successful then you have heard someone share with you their truth of method.  Desperate followers and desperate husbands and wives eagerly embrace the exacting formulas offered by “truth experts” in hopes that this truth method will also prove true in their lives.

Truth is true, except when it’s not.  What was true for you is not necessarily true for others.  What things you did/do to bring you success worked for you, your personality, your character, your strengths but they may not work for others.  In fact they most likely will not work for the majority of others.  The way you perceive and give love, while it is true for you, may not be true for your spouse or your children.

"The message of Jesus Christ was the same, the method of conversion was not"

If we’re not careful we can become so enamored with the power of our own experiential truths that we condemn others for not for embracing them too.  Different does not equal wrong.  If I don’t embrace your truth it doesn’t mean I won’t succeed, it just means I won’t be you.   If you want to infuriate your spouse and discourage your colleagues and employees, then demand your methods.  If you want to be a developer of others, then be aware of the people around you and the ways they are different and help them experience and embrace the truth that works for them.  Just to be clear, God’s truths revealed in scripture are absolute truths; our experiential truths are not always absolute.