tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-91482269731221836762024-03-13T20:06:08.310-07:00Healthier RelationshipsDeveloping Healthier Individuals, Healthier Families, and Healthier Communities.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14672698918613432913noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9148226973122183676.post-21060494243161336602013-10-28T14:40:00.000-07:002013-10-28T14:40:02.328-07:00Ezekiel and Toy Story... Who Knew?
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NZ5DpQHv1h4/Um7ZMeOWgFI/AAAAAAAAADs/5UlfCrFX-PU/s1600/toy_story.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="146" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NZ5DpQHv1h4/Um7ZMeOWgFI/AAAAAAAAADs/5UlfCrFX-PU/s320/toy_story.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">T</span>he
life of an Old Testament prophet, Ezekiel, became the focus of discussion
during a recent Sunday school class I teach.
I challenged our youth with a question about how a negative event could
be designed by God. Take for example
Ezekiel. He was called by God to be a
prophet. He was personally tasked rather
heavy responsibilities and warned of personal consequences if he didn’t do what
he was asked to do. He had incredible
visions and very powerful spiritual experiences where angels or even God would
speak to him concerning future events.
During Ezekiel’s initial call and several times throughout his prophetic
career God very clearly told Ezekiel that he was speaking to a stubborn people
who would not listen to him. Ezekiel
seemed called to a futile mission, one in which he should not expect any
results.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">“If
you’ve ever sat with a grieving family… I’m sure you’ve encountered such
thoughts”</span></h3>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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The force of my question to the youth came from chapter 24
of Ezekiel’s own book. The message from
God tells him that Israel’s fate is sealed and there is nothing that can be
done. Judgment is certain. At this point in Ezekiel’s life God has told
him that he would not be respected, the people would not listen, he would be
made fun of, and that there is no chance for Israel to avoid their coming
punishment. THEN, don’t miss this, THEN
God tells Ezekiel that He is going to kill his wife, his beloved, and that
Ezekiel’s response to her death is to be the next message to a doomed
people. Wow. One honest student was brave enough to admit
that he struggled with the picture of a God who could preform a seemingly cruel
act against one of his faithful servants.
<o:p></o:p></div>
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I think any honest person will admit that they occasionally
struggle with situations in which God appears to be ignoring, insensitive, or
cruel. If you’ve ever sat with a
grieving family or spoken with someone who just received word of a potentially
terminal disease ravaging their body you likely have encountered such thoughts.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
While the teens in my class wrestled with this Ezekiel’s
relationship with God, I was struggling to come up with a way to make this a
positive learning experience for them. I
didn’t want them leaving depressed or afraid of their God. Then it hit me. Toy Story.
My kids love the movies. Toys
competing for playtime with their owner, afraid to be replaced every birthday
and Christmas. The toys stated purpose
was to “be there” for Andy, their little boy owner. In the second movie the main toy character
Woody, a cowboy with a pull-string, slowly gets pushed aside for a newer more
high-tech toy named Buzz Lightyear, a space ranger. The pain and despair of the older toy is
clearly captured as he finds himself increasingly neglected. Woody’s mindset was clearly depicted as a
desire for usefulness, for purpose. For
a toy it was far better to be used and possibly damaged fulfilling his purpose
as a toy than to be in perfect working order and forgotten or unused. It would be better to be broken and played
with in a little boys hands than to be perfect and sitting on a shelf. <o:p></o:p></div>
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In the Gospel of Mark, Jesus spoke of this kind of
dedication to God when he mentioned that it would be better to make it to
heaven maimed than go to hell whole.
Even the Apostles expressed this mindset when in Acts chapter 5 they
counted it a blessing that they were found “worth to suffer” for His name’s
sake. The common thread found in
Ezekiel, Jesus, the apostles and even Toy Story is that is it far better to be
damaged in the Master’s hand than to be unused and far from Him.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">“It is
far better to be damaged in the Master’s hand than to be unused and far from
Him”</span></h3>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The truth of the matter is that Ezekiel most likely had a
better grasp on the eternal than 99.99% of people in history. He saw God high and lifted up, was taken
places by the Spirit, and spoken to regularly by God. If after all of those experiences Ezekiel
still believed that all there was to life was what we experienced during our
short 80-100 years of living, I would be amazed. It isn’t a stretch for me to believe that in
the mind and understanding of Ezekiel death was not an end but merely one
experiential segment of our eternal journey.
Did he miss his wife, his beloved, I’m sure he did. Did he ache for her when she was gone? Absolutely.
Did he ever regret submitting to be used by God? Doubtful.
If life can get that bad for Ezekiel while in the Master’s hands, imagine
how bad it could have been if he wasn’t.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I hope my experiences with God give me the faith and
strength to genuinely believe that a life <b><i>spent</i></b> in the hands of God
(regardless of the final cost) is better than a life <b><i>wasted</i></b> apart from
Him. Honestly, though, I pray I never
have to exercise that kind of faith statement.
My admiration extends to those who already have. Thank You for your example. <o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14672698918613432913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9148226973122183676.post-30949372938750509592013-10-18T16:17:00.001-07:002013-10-18T16:17:12.248-07:00The Law Of Least Resistance
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Kr49yd7_77Q/UmHA9qL3bwI/AAAAAAAAADU/WdE1SY1gj3U/s1600/path-least-resistance-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Kr49yd7_77Q/UmHA9qL3bwI/AAAAAAAAADU/WdE1SY1gj3U/s320/path-least-resistance-1.jpg" width="228" /></a><span style="font-size: x-large;">S</span>ome
call it the blame game, some call it side-stepping the issues, while others
call it denial. Regardless what label
you choose, its driven by the Law of Least Resistance. In nature the Law of Least Resistance
determines the path of electricity and water, ultimately determining the shape of a river or stream. In some cases common sense utilizes the Law of Least Resistance. Take for example someone trying to cross a
river or stream, the least resistant path is generally where the river or
stream is narrowest or shallowest and therefore easiest to get across. Unfortunately the Law of Least Resistance is
most often witnessed when things go wrong.
Blame flows more easily away from someone, while praise and acknowledgement
flow more easily towards them (deserved or not).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">“Blame
flows more easily away from someone, while praise flows more easily towards
them”</span></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I
was younger I was working with a couple of older gentlemen on a construction
site. A need arose for a quick solution:
simply rerouting some caution tape from one place to another. One of the men looked at me and asked if I
would do it, I immediately jumped at the opportunity to serve. Upon completion of my task the older
gentleman who requested my assistance said this with a smile on his face, “If
you want something done right ask a busy person, if you want something done
quick ask a lazy person”. I maintain he
wanted the caution tape run correctly.
To believe otherwise would be to accept a truth about myself I don’t
like or admire. Plus, it’s <i>easier</i> to believe that I’m the go to guy
when someone wants something done right.
That doesn’t require me to change.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">“The
longer we prevent blame from flowing towards us the longer we prevent growth”</span></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When
the reality of a situation shines a light on some aspect of our life or
character that we wish had remained hidden, the Law of Least Resistance jumps
into action. In an instant, with
lightning fast reasoning and ninja like precision, we are able to assess the
situation and redirect blame to another.
We almost instinctually look for ways in which something is not our
fault. Excuses flow from the Law of
Least Resistance. You may have witnessed the
Law of Least Resistance if you’ve heard, uttered, or thought something like: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“If I wasn't so busy with work I could be there for my family"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m a
good husband she just makes me crazy sometimes”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“If
they paid me what I was worth I would work harder”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“If
they had been clearer with their expectations I would have done better”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“If
people knew what I had to deal with…”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p> Notice how each thought subtly shifts culpability. It's not only lawyers who know that the smallest thought can introduce reasonable doubt and subsequently shift blame. </o:p></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">“You
are never more aware of your faults than you are when you know people are
watching ”</span></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Simply
being aware of the Law of Least Resistance should help us identify how active
it is in our lives. The longer we prevent
blame from flowing towards us the longer we prevent growth! I hate it that the most successful growth
seems to come from the most public failures.
Character shortcomings revealed in private are too easily ignored or
written off. Abusive parents and spouses
abuse with more vigor within the privacy of their home. They won’t abuse in public, around in-laws,
or coworkers. To do so would be to
publicly reveal their wrongs. To keep it
hidden makes it easier to reason away disapproving behavior, to redirect blame.
The Law of Least Resistance helps keep
our flaws from coming into the light. Flaws
no one sees do not demand near the attention they would if they were made
public. Don’t believe me? Have someone you don’t know watch you eat and
see if you aren’t more self-conscious, making <i>sure </i>you chew with your mouth closed, wiping your mouth more
frequently, or covering your mouth after each bite. You are never more aware of your faults
(external or internal) than you are when you know people are watching. Nothing draws the attention away from you
like the Law of Least Resistance.<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14672698918613432913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9148226973122183676.post-60615268261879761472013-10-11T18:26:00.000-07:002013-10-11T18:26:47.273-07:00The Potential Rut Of Potential<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-eFbs9M1wy7w/UlijmyNvYiI/AAAAAAAAADE/qwvVqywP80o/s1600/stuck-in-a-rut-294x300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-eFbs9M1wy7w/UlijmyNvYiI/AAAAAAAAADE/qwvVqywP80o/s200/stuck-in-a-rut-294x300.jpg" width="195" /></a></div>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I</span>
recently spent some time with an elderly gentleman who was reflecting on his
life. His reflection was not prompted by
health concerns or end of life considerations; in fact he had been pondering
the state of his life for better than a year prior to my arrival in his living
room. Not long into our conversation it
became abundantly clear that he was eat up with guilt and regret. His life was not at all how he had hoped it
would have turned out, but strangely enough it was exactly what he felt he
deserved. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">“<span style="color: #262626;">’Potential’ is to the future what ‘almost’ is to the
past: </span><span style="color: #262626;">the </span><i style="color: #262626;">undone”</i></span></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The
living room was dark, illuminated only by the light of an overcast day seeping
in through his broken screen door and the flicker of his TV. The smell of decades of cigarette smoke hung
heavy in the air along with shame and despair. For better than 30 years he had struggled with
alcohol and gambling. He was 30 years
divorced from his only wife and mother to his 4 children. The high point of the past 6 months was
finally receiving disability for something that had long plagued him. From his worn out recliner he relayed his
story. It flowed from him
effortlessly. It was one he had
undoubtedly punished himself with when no one was around, which was often. He had been happily married, actively
involved in a church, had just built a house with several acres he was
successfully farming to supplement his income from a job he loved. Then he said
something that sent my mind in a whirl. He said “It all changed August,
1977”. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If
you’re like me, I bet your thinking there was a death in the immediate family
or a tragic accident that left him crippled.
Surely there was something nearly cataclysmic that happened that was
simply out of his control resulting in a tragically wasted 30 years. If you <i>are</i>
like me, then you too would be wrong. As
it turns out he took a chance in 1977, at the urging of family and friends, which
ultimately failed. He claims God told
him to leave the opportunity alone, but he went anyway. He has grown to believe that his current
state of life is the ongoing punishment for his disobedience. He frequently asks God’s forgiveness for what
happened 30 years ago, but I believe he has never forgiven himself. While I could elaborate on some of those God
and forgiveness issues, I want to draw your attention to a hidden danger in
this story.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">“Doesn’t
every choice have the ability to change your future forever?”</span></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This
gentleman has hung the results of the last half of his life on one choice he
made 30+ years ago. He blames everything
that has happened to him on that choice.
Since then bitterness and resentment towards those who encouraged that
choice has only grown, along with his own regret. That one wrong choice has become his excuse
for underachieving ever since. He has
defined his life by a wrong decision made decades ago. He struggles in the rut of what could have
been, what should have been: the “almost”.
When the time is right I will challenge the reality he has built his
life around with this question. “You
place a lot of weight on that one decision you made in 1977, but what about all
of the choices you’ve made since then?” Doesn’t
every choice have the ability to change your future forever? The bible declares in Lamentations 3:<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">22-23</span><span style="color: #262626;"> <i>It is of the
LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy
faithfulness.</i> With each new day come
new decision opportunities. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This man’s life has challenged me to not define myself by one choice
or one event in my life, past or future.
Future? Yes. If we’re not careful our life’s <i>potential</i> can become our defining
characteristic i.e. “what I’m going to do”.
I can live being frustrated with where I am because I tell myself and everyone
around me that I’m only here until something better comes along or until someone recognizes my potential. I can just as easily blame my lack of
achievement on something unachieved in my future as I can on something unachieved in my
past.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: x-large;">"There are a lot of choices to be made between now and where we ultimately end up"</span></span></h3>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">“Potential” is to the future what “almost” is to the past: the <i>undone</i>.
Both can motivate you or numb you into inactivity. Either way there are a lot of choices to be
made between now and where we ultimately end up. If all we do is talk about “what we’re going
to do”, one day that mantra is going to become the “what could have been”. While I certainly don’t want to get stuck in
the past replaying lost opportunities or failed attempts, neither do I want to
get stuck in the rut of potential, never able to reach it. Phrases most often heard in the rut of potential
are “not yet”, “some day”, or “when things calm down”. I don’t know, and I hope I never find out, when
the moment is that someone’s greatest potential becomes his or her greatest
regret.</span><!--EndFragment-->
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14672698918613432913noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9148226973122183676.post-20138017087917614672013-10-04T07:24:00.000-07:002013-10-04T07:24:08.194-07:00Isolation... Not Just Being Alone<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Pmgm-7X4wxc/Uk7O6tYyAxI/AAAAAAAAAC4/PefwdQGN0PE/s1600/Isolated-Island.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Pmgm-7X4wxc/Uk7O6tYyAxI/AAAAAAAAAC4/PefwdQGN0PE/s200/Isolated-Island.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">I </span>love my alone time.
I love the escape from deadlines, complaints, to do lists, and trying to
make small talk. I like being alone,
isolated from the thronging demands of life.
The irony of this moment is that while I write these words my two year
old daughter is behind me tucked between me and my chair drawing on my back
with her finger singing about how much she likes water, pausing occasionally to
lean up over my shoulder and see what I’m doing and to ask me to draw her a
picture. Not exactly “alone time”. But there’s a vast difference between
isolated alone time and the isolation that destroys people, relationships, and
businesses. This destructive kind of
isolation can be found in even the busiest of people. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">“Isolation comes in many forms and most don’t even realize
how isolated they are until it’s too late”</span></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Isolation can take many appearances; from the individual who
lashes out at those who offer any form of criticism to the leader seeking to
surround him or her self with “yes men” to the person far to busy to truly
interact with anyone. While not
exhaustive, each of these people may not be isolated in the sense of being
totally alone but they have strategically isolated certain parts of themselves
from outside influences. Generally
speaking people excuse their isolation with claims of desiring consistency,
authenticity, or preservation. The
perceived safety of isolation distracts from it’s destructive nature. The danger in isolation, even selective
isolation, is that it skews reality. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">“Destructive isolation can be found in even the busiest of
people”</span></h3>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Any environment in which there is only one source of
influence or one provider of truth has the potential to distort reality and be destructive. The destructive nature of an <i>inaccurate reality born out of isolation</i>
is perhaps most visible when we look at cults or peoples living in a compound
with one leader as the sole source of it’s influence and “truth”.
Unfortunately, isolation in our own lives is not nearly as obvious. Far too often I witness homes in which a
spouse or a parent’s anger creates a “protective” barrier around a family
consequently isolating that family from healthy external influences. The spouses and children of angry or even
violent people are forced to live within the skewed reality the isolated person
has created. Isolated leaders often use
guilt instead of anger as their method of corralling followers. Failure to grow or attract new followers is
credited to the weaknesses or ignorance of non-followers. The unchallenged concepts of a leader,
spouse, or family member can rapidly become absolute truth to the isolated
regardless of whether or not they are right.
The longer skewed realities are allowed to go unchallenged the more
fiercely the isolated defend those “truths” they have built their lives
around. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On a personal note I have noticed my own tendency for
isolation when I get so busy running from one task to another that in my
overexposure to tasks I end up isolating myself. Busyness, for me, has become the most common
way to create isolation. If I stay busy,
I stay distracted and I’m never in one place long enough to see the full impact
of myself on that environment. As a result
I can live in a skewed reality in which I believe that I’m more productive,
successful, pleasant to work with, easy to work for than I really am. When what has actually happened is that I’ve
not allowed myself to be present for critique because I’m off to the next task
or project never allowing the previous environment to fully impact me. In this manner success can isolate by inviting
the successful to ignore the things that didn’t facilitate success. Instead of becoming aware of the things
needing change for growth, we can ignore/isolate <i>from</i> them and subtly focus only on the qualities that brought accomplishment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Do I welcome critique or seek to discredit contrary sources?</span></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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As I have written this post I realize that even my own
children are isolated to a certain extent when it comes to their beliefs about
me, their father. Right now I am the
“strongest bestest” dad who can fix anything.
It won’t be until my children are well into their teens that they
realize their dad can’t do everything and that my influence on this world is
frighteningly small. If I do a good job
with my kids they will not refuse to accept this truth but will accept the true
reality in which they live: that their
dad, while awesome, has limits and doesn’t know everything. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Isolation comes in many forms and most don’t even realize
how isolated they are until it’s too late. Hopefully an awareness of the potential
negative effects of isolation will allow people to accept their faults and be
willing to be changed by external authorities instead of defending their
narrow-mindedness with anger and guilt.
Am I open to genuine feedback or am I personally offended when someone
points out the error of my ways? Do I
welcome the advice of others or cringe at their suggestions and mentally
discredit their perspective in order to maintain my own skewed reality? My honest answer to these questions might
just reveal an isolated environment of my life.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14672698918613432913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9148226973122183676.post-68958272797064965962013-09-16T10:37:00.001-07:002013-09-16T17:58:14.297-07:00Hidden Consequences to Hiding From Your Kids<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I recently had an argument with my wife in front of my
kids. Well, let me correct that, I
recently over reacted in a conversation with my wife in front of my kids and I
enticed my wife into an argument that resulted in me walking into the garage
and staring at my freezer. Moments later
my kids came out into the garage and gave me a hug followed by my wife who
informed me the kids had decided, “Daddy needs a hug, from mommy too”. My kids are 6 and 2. So not only did I misbehave in front of my
kids, I behaved in such an immature manner that it was even obvious to
them. That realization coupled with the
hugs of my kids effectively melted my heart and demanded an apology from me,
not only to my wife but to my children as well.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">“If it’s not a behavior I want my children to possess, it
should be a behavior I don’t want to possess”</span></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While I’m certainly not proud of my behaviors that day, I
have given that situation a lot of thought.
Did I drop the ball in parenting my children because I argued with their
mother in front of them? Did I just
example to them <i>how</i> they are allowed
to talk to their mother? I have often
heard parents claim that they go out of their way to keep from arguing in front
of their kids. They will often boast the
fact that “our kids have never seen us argue”.
Is it healthier to hide the bad and display only the good for my
kids? If that is true, is it also true
for my marriage? Should I hide things from my wife that might show me to be
something other than what I want her to think I am? What about at work?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After much deliberation, the following are reasons why I
will not hide from my children when I’m disagreeing with my wife or anyone for
that matter. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
#1 – What are you saying or doing in your argument that your
children should not witness? If it’s not
appropriate for your kids to hear then it’s not appropriate at all! I’m amazed at how many people have an age
limit on appropriate behavior. With
society’s age based legalization of driving, drinking, and smoking, somehow
morality got thrown into that mix as well.
When you are old enough to drive you are old enough to cuss… or is it
when you are old enough to drink you are allowed to cuss… I can’t
remember. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why do people even say “not around the kids”? Isn’t it because we are trying to convey to them
the right way to behave by not exposing them to wrong behaviors. If it’s a behavior that I do not want my
children to possess as adults, shouldn’t it be a behavior I do not want to
possess as an adult?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
#2 – Have a little self-control. If the reason you are ushering your children
out of the room for your arguments is so you can have more freedom to say what
you want, then it sounds like you are creating an environment in which you are
free to lose control. What is the age
that your children are allowed to stop losing control? How long does a couple have to be married
before they are allowed to quit treating one another with the common courtesies
they extend to strangers? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">“My arguments with others should example… proper speaking
and behavior.”</span></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
#3 – If your kids never see you argue they’ll also never see
you make up. This can create in them an incorrect
assumption that it is never ok to disagree with someone. If they ever do disagree with someone then
they are not going to know how to bring it to a healthy resolution. Instead what we’ve effectively done is teach
our children the importance of avoiding conflict. Then we wonder why they get mad and retreat
to their bedroom and won’t talk to us when they become teens. When you usher your kids out of the room so
you can have a conflict you are cheating them out of a learning opportunity to
show them, nay, that examples for them, the proper way to argue or disagree and
how to make up. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My arguments with others should show observers that even
when you are angry there is a proper way to speak and behave. I should be modeling what it looks like to
ask for forgiveness for raising my voice, storming out, or just being nasty and
how to be the one to forgive. If my
conflicts aren’t teaching my children healthy behaviors and expressions of
emotions then maybe what I need is to work on being a better example and stop <i>hiding </i>from my need for improvement. <o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14672698918613432913noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9148226973122183676.post-58800298563029314402013-09-10T11:32:00.000-07:002013-09-10T11:36:15.189-07:00A Solution or A Distraction, How Can I Tell?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I frequently interact with people who find themselves or
their marriages in crisis. I’m not so
naïve to think that I’m stop #1 on their journey to healing, in fact I’m often
a last option to ease the conscience so they can say “well, at least we tried
pastoral counseling, the church, etc.”. They
will often detail how they’ve tried talking to friends and family, other
pastors, counselors, how they’ve read so many books and nothing seems to be
working. I can’t help but wonder why
they are now talking to me, do they honestly believe that I am so much wiser
and more competent than all those who tried to help them before? Answer: no.
One of two things is happening.
They are either looking for a magical formula that will fix everything
for them or they have become addicted to the distractions of a “new
solution”. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">“The rush of a new experience can often overshadow its lack
of effectiveness”</span></h3>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When couples find a new counselor or parents read a book
with a new parenting strategy there is often an increase in energy and sense of
hope that brightens their darkness for a moment. The rush of a new experience can often
overshadow its lack of effectiveness.
Consider the rebound relationship.
A new relationship temporarily distracts from the issues that brought
about the demise of my previous one. A
new church or move to a new area gives the feeling of a fresh start when it
really only places more urgent needs to the head of the queue for attention,
the old ones are still there, just not as noticeable for a time. How many marriages dissolve once the children
move out? The greatest reason is because
the problem areas of the marriage were shuffled out of sight in order to focus
on the more pressing issues of raising children. Once the distraction of raising children was
gone, the problem area resurfaces and couples end up throwing away decades of
life and relationship<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3>
<span style="font-size: large;">“Is the solution addressing my issue or distracting me from
it?"</span></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
New advice, new strategies, and new methods easily put the
focus on doing something else and can temporarily seem effective without actually addressing the things that truly need fixing. Fad diets are a great example of this quick
easy fix that seems to work for a time only to fail the test of longevity. Simply shuffling problems to a less
noticeable area of ones life is not the same as fixing that problem. Hiding within the busyness of the new and
fresh cheats us out of ever truly growing or developing beyond what caused us
to look for a solution in the first place.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So how can we tell if a solution is working or just
distracting? Ask yourself these questions. Is this new solution addressing my issue or
distracting me from it? Am I still afraid
to think about the problem areas of my life?
If new solutions require me to interact with the problem areas instead
of offering me a guilt free way to distract from them then chances are that
solution is one worth your time to see through.
People addicted to new solutions tend to run away from real solutions
because they don’t want to or aren’t ready to face the hard issues in their
lives. The true challenge is to not quit
when I don’t like what a solution is revealing about me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14672698918613432913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9148226973122183676.post-74592590897544294812013-09-02T17:19:00.000-07:002013-09-04T20:47:29.091-07:00Truth Is True... Except When It's Not<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5QJpQbKbURs/UiUpwh_WnPI/AAAAAAAAACc/1TG5DpmIcTU/s1600/true-false.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="166" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5QJpQbKbURs/UiUpwh_WnPI/AAAAAAAAACc/1TG5DpmIcTU/s320/true-false.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">T</span>ruth is a powerful commodity. Possessors of truth have the upper hand in
business dealings and in marital conflicts.
The power of truth is that it is unchanging and universal which allows
it to be foundational. Truth guarantees
outcomes. It keeps planes in the air and
boats above the water. Decisions made in
the absence of truth can sink a business, ruin a marriage, and destine a church
for failure. I believe there are
absolute truths; saved people go to heaven, gravity keeps me from floating
away, and my wife will forever have the advantage in arguments because her
memory is better than mine. But what
happens when truth isn’t true?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<o:p><span style="font-size: large;"><b>"If you want to infuriate your spouse and discourage your employees... then demand your methods"</b></span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Book of Acts chapter 13 details an encounter between
Paul, one of the premier patriarchs of Christianity, and a sorcerer named
Elymus who was opposing the spread of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. In this interaction Saul (later known as
Paul) proclaimed blindness on the sorcerer as a sign of the punishment of God
for his opposition of truth. Prior to
Saul’s conversion he was an enemy of Christians, hunting and killing them in
order to prevent the spread of Christianity.
What I find interesting is that Saul was stricken with blindness by the
Lord, which ultimately led to his being converted to Christianity. I wonder if Saul’s use of blindness on the
sorcerer wasn’t partly driven by a belief that if the sorcerer experienced what
Saul experienced then it would lead him to Christ as well. The truth for Saul was that blindness from
God can bring someone to faith in Jesus Christ.
There is no record of the sorcerer’s conversion to Christianity. What was truth for Saul was not true for the
sorcerer. While the message of Jesus
Christ was the same, the method of conversion was not.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>"People teach what they know"</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People teach what they know and a lot of what we know we
have been taught. But when people learn through experience they are often more
passionate about the truths revealed to them in those moments and they consider
themselves experts of those truths. Leaders
can become convinced that if you will do what they did then you can achieve the
same level of success they achieved. Spouses
can believe that what communicates love and appreciation to them is how their
spouses should perceive love and appreciation (see Gary Chapman’s book <i>The Five Love Languages</i>). It seems the common belief is that “what
worked for me will work for you”. If you
have ever heard someone tell you how they treat their spouse, how they raised
or punished their children, how they grew their business or how they became
successful then you have heard someone share with you their <i>truth of method</i>. Desperate followers and desperate husbands
and wives eagerly embrace the exacting formulas offered by “truth experts” in hopes
that this truth method will also prove true in their lives. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Truth is true, except when it’s not. What was true for you is not necessarily true
for others. What things you did/do to
bring you success worked for you, your personality, your character, your
strengths but they may not work for others.
In fact they most likely will not work for the majority of others. The way you perceive and give love, while it
is true for you, may not be true for your spouse or your children. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 3pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>"The message of Jesus Christ was the same, the method of conversion was not"</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 3.0pt;">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 3.0pt;">
If we’re not careful we can become
so enamored with the power of our own experiential truths that we condemn
others for not for embracing them too.
Different does not equal wrong.
If I don’t embrace your truth it doesn’t mean I won’t succeed, it just
means I won’t be you. If you want to
infuriate your spouse and discourage your colleagues and employees, then demand
your methods. If you want to be a
developer of others, then be aware of the people around you and the ways they
are different and help them experience and embrace the truth that works for
them. Just to be clear, God’s truths
revealed in scripture are absolute truths; our experiential truths are not
always absolute. <o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14672698918613432913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9148226973122183676.post-68265667927887307662013-08-26T12:24:00.000-07:002013-08-26T14:49:16.435-07:00Can I Ask You A Question?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F8pHEYs7ahM/Uhu1lm96M0I/AAAAAAAAACA/JZOiQx1RoEA/s1600/no_questions-300x300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F8pHEYs7ahM/Uhu1lm96M0I/AAAAAAAAACA/JZOiQx1RoEA/s200/no_questions-300x300.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-size: x-large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I</span> recently ran errands with my six-year old son. During our drive questions poured out of him
and he fired them off as fast as I could answer him. "What would happen if all the buildings in the
world were made of Jello?" "How tall are
tornados?" I stopped him long enough to
tell him that I love his questions and I’m glad he likes to ask me about
things. This put a smile on his face and
a fire in his heart to hit me with more questions. While I admit that after a time the sheer
volume of questions can start to annoy me, I’m hoping my continued availability
will encourage him to keep coming to me with questions as he advances on into
his pre-teen and teenage years and beyond.
Call me naïve but I’ve seen what can happen when questions are not
welcome in a relationship. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">"If you aren't answering questions, someone else is"</span></h3>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Questions are too often perceived as a challenge to one’s
authority or they serve as proof of our insecurities. Weak bosses and leaders tend to distance
themselves from people who ask them tough questions because they perceive
questions as lack of support or a lack of belief in the vision or manner of
doing business. Insecure spouses get
angry or defensive when their significant other questions any part of the marriage
relationship or certain behaviors.
Parents are quick to equate their teenager’s questions with a rebellious
spirit. In each of these scenarios the
questioner learns that their questions are not welcome based on the negative
reactions of those they have questioned.
So, eventually, they quit asking.
As a result employees do not feel they or their thoughts are valued and
become less invested in the success of the organization, spouses live with
unresolved tension, feel unappreciated, and finally come to believe they are
simply coping with an unhappy marriage, and teenagers disconnect from parents
who don’t know, don’t care, or don’t understand them & their issues. All are left to come up with their own
answers to avoided questions, a.k.a. assumptions.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While it is true that some people use questions as a method
of attacking, it is my belief that the majority of questions are not a sign of
doubt but rather a sign of learning. The
best time to speak into someone’s life is when he or she asks questions. I have committed to always having an answer
to the questions that come my way, even if my answer is “I don’t know but
that’s a great question. Let’s talk
about that some more”. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<o:p><span style="font-size: large;">"The best time to speak into someone's life is when he or she asks questions"</span></o:p></h3>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The most common
reasons for avoiding questions are:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I
don’t like the answer<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I
don’t know the answer<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I
want to avoid a fight<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I’m
insecure in myself or my answer<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I
believe the other person has an ulterior motive<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I
hear questions as doubt or lack of faith in me<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If people aren’t asking you questions it’s either because
they already think they know everything they need to know, they have been
taught that you aren’t open to questions, or worse yet they believe you don’t know
the answers. Regardless of their
reason(s) the troublesome fact is they are operating apart from you. Just because you have silenced your
questioners does not mean that the questions are not still there. The scary thing is that if you aren’t answering
questions, someone else is. A questioner
feels worthwhile and valued by the “someone else” who takes the time to
answer. So, workers quit and find
employment elsewhere, spouses gravitate towards people to listen to them and
have affairs, teenagers lock themselves in their rooms and get all their
information from peers and predatory voices online. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The moment I no longer allow my wife, children, co-workers,
or employees to ask questions (especially the tough questions) I have
effectively silenced my voice of influence in the life of the truth
seeker. What do the questioners of your
life reveal about you? Are questioners
welcome? Are there even any questioners in your life? If not, it’s either because you are the
world’s best communicator or you are avoiding some uncomfortable truths.<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14672698918613432913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9148226973122183676.post-57706805309918692492013-08-21T12:12:00.005-07:002013-08-21T12:15:49.153-07:00The Measure Of My Success... It's Not You.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">I</span></b> have found that there are many parallels between what
leadership experts claim will revolutionize a church, business, or organization
and what relationship experts claim will revolutionize a family or
marriage. Take for example the trending topic of change. I have set
in rooms with organizational leaders who ache for a change that will bring
growth or at the very least bring the organization in line with the goals and
values of said leadership. I have also listened as couples desperately
detail the need for change in order to save a deteriorating marriage.
Both groups find themselves mistakenly looking at those around them as the
measure of their own success.<br />
<br /></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">"Unless you value control more than you value integrity"</span> </h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Volumes of leadership books detail behaviors and attitudes
guaranteed to bring success. Counselors and self-help books provide
direction and unselfishly dole out answers to the difficult “How” questions for
marriages in crisis. Eager leaders and desperate couples devour the
advice waiting for the miracle to take place; organizational growth, increased
revenue, a healthier more loving relationship. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The often unclear and unspoken principle that should fuel
proper healthy growth is that all the answers and profound advice point to an
individuals way of being that is simply the “right thing to do” or the “right
way to behave”. The problem with leaving this principle unspoken is that
the measure of our success when "doing what is right" shifts to focus
on whether or not others are responding to our changes the way we want them to
respond. The end result? Spouses quit doing what’s right because
“she still nags” or “he still has a short fuse”. Leaders embrace old
familiar habits because “employees still complain”, a project fails or a task
gets overlooked. <br />
<br /></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">"...to make the individual a better person first and a better leader or spouse second"</span></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
What proponents for change must realize is that the advice
and answers they are given for their issues are designed to make the individual
a better person first and a better leader or spouse second. If attempts
to bring about change are embraced with the main goal of “fixing the other
person” then change efforts will not be sustained long enough to bring about
true change in the person they were intended to fix… You. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">My
childhood pastor used to say that “bitterness is like swallowing a poison pill
and hoping it kills the other person”. The same futility will destroy a
person who attempts positive change habits (doing what’s right) in an attempt
to change someone else. I hope to see more people doing what is right
because it’s right, instead of only trying to do what “works”. Unless of
course you value control more than you value integrity. I for one intend
to do what is right because it’s the right thing to do and because I believe it
will make me a better person, spouse, and leader. My growth is the
measure of my success; your growth is an added bonus. </span><!--EndFragment-->
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14672698918613432913noreply@blogger.com0